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 I
have lived a long life thinking that every change in life has to be accompanied
by some extraordinary meteors like thunder or flash of lightning, like
in cartoons. However, nothing great happened the day when I met my former
classmate. That is why it took me some time to realize that my life changed.
"I've got a concert tomorrow," said Irina after traditional
exchanges about children and health. "I dance".
At school Irina was not very gracious, and it was twenty years ago. She
noticed my suspicious look.
"Come and you'll see it yourself. It's a concert of the Jewish Community
Center dedicated to Chanukah. You're a Jew yourself, though only by grandmother,
it'll be interesting for you."
In the evening I was watching TV, but could not concentrate on the program.
I could not help thinking of Irina's words. Chanukah - it sounded familiar… I
remembered about my grandma, her great cakes and herring pates, and children
being driven out of the kitchen before a holiday while stuffed fish was
being cooked. Sometimes, when grandmother was angry she started grumbling
something unintelligible. "What have you said, grandma?" - I
plucked her by her skirt. "It is in our language, in Yiddish".
"Our language is Russian!" Grandmother's eyes started sparkling:
"You forgot everything, you don't want to know anything. You don't
want to remember anything. You don't want to hear anything. You became
strangers for your own people."
I thought a lot and wondered if I could call the Jewish people my people.
Children are cruel, and when I watched them mocking at quiet Josef Katsman
it horrified me to think that my grandmother planned to name me Rivka
and to indicate "Jew" in my certificate of birth.
The next day I entered the palace of culture holding my daughter Nastya's
hand and ready to run away after the first unkind look. Music was playing
in the hall and children were running here and there, but their parents
did not pull them up - they were looking at exhibits, talking, laughing,
and some of them were singing songs and clapping their hands. A girl not
higher than Nastya came up to us smiling. I wondered if we knew each other.
"Shalom. Happy and light Chanukah! My name is Oksana. What's your
daughter's name? Nastya? Nastya, come on, let's play the dreidel with
us!"
My child dived in the crowd with delight, and I looked around calmly.
Nothing terrible happened, on the contrary, everybody I glanced at looked
back with a smile and even bowed to me. Several minutes later I also started
smiling and greeting everybody.
I do not like amateur performances - that is why I was going simply to
praise those nice people and leave imperceptibly in half an hour. But
the things happening on the stage made me change my mind. It looked like
a holiday in a big united family. It proved that I knew the history of
Chanukah in a general way. Grandmother often told me about the majestic
ceremony of lighting candles. "Actors" were not professional,
but none of them showed constraint or fear of the audience. And the guests
cheered every new sketch, called the actors by name and they waved hands
to their friends.
Then on the stage appeared Irina with several other women dressed in the
way my grandmother liked: long skirts and waistcoats. Music sounded and
I was struck - Irina did danced and her face was absolutely happy.
After the concert I was waiting for Nastya who got lost again and looking
at the "actors" and "spectators" who did not hurry
home. Nastya rushed up to me with a doughnut in one hand and latkes in
another crying like a young elephant: "Mom, let's go to the camp!"
A "camp" for me meant school years when my parents packed my
suitcase and sent me for two months to march and sing silly songs. I asked
about it smiling women who came to me. It proved that the camp we talked
about was unusual - a family camp. They promised that I would not march.
And when they told me that it would also be a seminar where I could find
out many things about the history and traditions of the Jews, I agreed
at once. Nastya was rejoicing.
And again there was no thunder; Anya and Susanna were not fogged in blue
light. But that moment my life changed again.
Rivka Ivanova
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